Diary: March 24

Continued 2/3

22nd

Today I accompanied Charlie to his appointment at Borders General Hospital (BGH); he wanted me there and I get that, as I've only ever attended hospital on my own. At my operation in 21, I deliberately did not tell anybody I knew as they'd be praying me dead during my four and a half hour long operation. Leaving BGH we drove into Melrose for coffee and a sandwich, we chose Jacks cafe at the bottom of the high street. Charlie enjoyed a bacon sandwich whilst I had a loin sausage sandwich; the coffee, a latte was delicious. We talked about the evil transvestite butcher / kidnapper that lived / worked across the road, said he needed a bullet. I'd planned to take pictures of Melrose abbey but left behind my SDcard.

Returning from Melrose I photographed the Eildon hills, the last time I was here taking photographs was May 23.

Jock's sheep have lambed by the side of the road.

And returned to the farmhouse photographed our lambs:

Look what we found on our CCTV camera today...

We are contemplating taking both mother ewes and their lambs to grasskeep, worming them after a week, the other option is keeping both mother ewes and their lambs at the farmhouse and weaning the lambs here, by taking the mother ewes to grasskeep. Problem is the grass keep having a history of fluke worm; killing three lambs last year. We cannot prevaccinate the lambs against fluke, they have to be exposed then treated; the grasskeep owner is very old and not treating the grasskeep against fluke worm that is present there.

21st

Q: Why do cuthaig enablers return to the souless?

A: Because they are trying to flay them godless.

20th

Another morning at the farmhouse, it's been weeks since I stayed more than a few days at my flat, but lambing is almost over. Our 4x4 truck failed the first MOT, but the garage fixed the problems, then run through a second MOT with success. The truck failed due to disk brake problems, dirty light lenses and a front (near and far side) shock absorber advisory, I suspect has been sustained from the steep incline of the farmhouse driveway. We were questioning if the truck would pass, and were unprepared to purchase another, so were relieved to only be paying £400 to have a roadworthy vehicle for another year. The truck is essential to keeping sheep, this is the first year we've put this twenty-year-old truck through an MOT.

A pair of Daffodils have appeared in the Farmhouse front garden.

Pheasants that have escaped the shoot at Hoscote roam the valley and occasionally visit the farmhouse for chaff, barley and oats, left overs from feeding the sheep. The front garden pond is active with several frogs frolking, and now full of spawn. The farmyard is covered in half a foot of mud, the driveway would have been the same had charlie not got a digger in.

19th

We're in transit most today, transporting ewes and lambs; our grass keep is ready 1st of April, it will be a relief to have some peace from the endless jeering of sheep. Having completed a year of sceaphierde (one of the world's oldest occupations) I know Charlie will be pleased to see the flock return. Cade lambs are well, seven cades are consuming eight bottles three times a day, today reduced to eight bottles two times daily; supplemented by nibbles of lamb pellet and haylage. Although I am clear of periodontitis, toothache is attempting to return.

Charlie took four sheep to Longtown, two were ewe lambs, the other two failed mother ewes. After enjoying a cooked breakfast we observed auctions and waited in the truck for our lot to be called. Sheep sold for £380, but £350 of money made from auction went to repayment of debt / arrears, leaving £30; the belt is tight. We also made £30 auctioning a stoneware sink, but collected an enamel sink that failed sale; we have another seven of these sinks, thinking about marketing these sinks as horse troughs, during Hawick's Common Riding event.

We don't usually eat much throughout the day, so look forward to a cooked evening meal; it is a treat to have a fully cooked breakfast at Longtown, usually we don't eat breakfast. We drink far too much coffee, partly due to Charlie being an avid drinker, as before I met him I would mostly drink tea. I am concerned that coffee drinking is exacerbating underlining stomach problems. Years ago I read somehwere that pancreas problems declined during the shortage of coffee during WW2. Every night slipping into sleep feels as if I'm going to die.

18th

After feeding the cade lambs I took my mountain bike for a ride through the Borthwick valley.

I'd aimed to take some photographs with my bridge camera, and was left a little disappointed until I returned to the farmhouse and found this Chaffinch on a fence post.

Sleepy lambs in the polytunnel.

There are only three ewes left to lamb, this year there has been half the ewes of last year, yet almost twice as many lambs; we have seven cades to look after.

In the evening Charlie drove us to Forman hall to played Carpet Bowls, the last game of this year, atleast until darker, colder evenings become apparent. Majority of people who live and work in the Borthwick valley are farmers. Sidney and his son Ross Anderson won carpet bowls; how can this be?

15th

This morning I woke to the sound of Sam the Sheep dog barking, peering out of three windows I saw nothing unusual, but through the forth window I discovered a mother ewe licking her newborn lamb, now there is only three ewes left to lamb.

We have eight, each cade lamb will consume one bag of powered milk until weaned, costing around £70 per cade lamb (not including injections, vets fees etc). This is the main reason behind Charlie endeavouring to keep these wee lambs with their mother ewes! A lambs' life is always better placed with the mother ewe, they miss out on so much with intervention.

It is untrue to claim creates never miss if they are removed from what is taken from them, they know and feel, there inherent worth. Disparity is disparity, there are no excuses inflicting deprivation onto sentient beings; these cade lambs would have otherwise died, not existed if they had not been subjected to intervention; but even then I have reservations about long term / multigeneration consequences. Blood and flesh should never be subjected to cuthaig egalitarianism, an endeavor of deprivation would be inherently and ethnically wrong.

The eight cade lambs are now drinking six bottles of powdered milk per sitting; I filled and presented five, then returned to the farmhouse to make another bottle, as we only have five bottles to go round. I staggered up the paddock verge to the ewe lambs on the hillside, they were treated to a bucket of ewe nuts, weather is wild on the hillside, with no run off this slippery ground is sopping wet with inches rain water. Fortifying these farm animals is the purpose of this, Charlies breeding programme, although a little extra cash wouldn't go amiss.

14th

The rain relentlessly poured down this morning as though the sopping drench would never dissipate. Charlie bought three mother ewes and their lambs from the paddock, they have returned to the shelter of the polytunnel, for the now. The Herdwick has also down from the paddock, and has been placed into the calf creep pen with a few remaining ewes, still to lamb. Today is the first day in weeks that I have no suffered appalling toothache, the periodontitis infection in my gums appears to have shifted.

A cade lamb has come to us with her legs frozen stiff, she could not stand to suckle her mother ewe. Charlie took her into cade with optimism that she will walk eventually, given time; Charlie administered her a 0.4 ml injection of selenium, since then we have seen improvement. The lamb pushed herself up with her front legs, backing onto the wall, then attempts to move forward; this is an improvement from her wiggling around on the floor. Life has been a hard start for her, and I felt for her struggle.

13th

All lambs are well, we've had a shortfall of chaff, so are purchasing lamb and ewe nuts for the flock as an addition to bales of haylage. We have just under three weeks until the flock goes to grass keep; I will be relieved to see them go, the farmhouse is noisy as hell. Today I'm coding, much work is to be done, as I discover the zealous delusions that incur causations of what has not happened in my life. Writing about previous years fills my heart will indelible sorrow, realising I have been erased and replaced from existence. I am not alone, others are terrorised, flayed from their peoples soul by the evils of cuthaig, these heinous crimes will be severely punished; if not bought to justice by man, then by wrath of God they will fall.

Yesterday we (me and Charlie) put all our money together to get an electric bike so that I would have transport. We found a Perry E-Hopper advertised on Facebook for £400, direct messaged the seller arranging a view at 6:30pm that evening. We arranged to view two bikes, one blue, the other black in colour, but on arrival at the seller's house, we found one bike had been put back as first dibs for another person, who had obviously placed before us. I rode the other bike with difficulty, the frame wobbled as the electric engine did grind. I made an offer of £360, they refused, we abruptly parted. The seller, a man named Kevin (with girlfriend) acted sketchy untoward our arrival, I felt relieved not to have made this purchase.

I had hoped to be able to ride around the valley taking pictures of scenery and wild life, and explored yonder places in the Scottish Borders where our truck was legally prohibited to go, or simply travelled to fast surpassing meaningful observances. But the reviews on the Perry E-Hooper claimed the bike performed badly up hills; which would be near useless for climbing the contours of the hilly Scottish Borders. Riding the Perry E-Hooper was saddled uncomfortable and stiff tense, as if clinging onto a pogo stick for balance; this would have not made countryside exploration upon this E-bike enjoyable. I've looked at other E-bikes over the internet, and would be required to spend another £1200 to complete such purchase.

I am unable to travel as well as a few years ago; suffering painful broken bones in my left foot, together with significant nerve damage. Anaemia is also a lot worse and now restful, I have put on several stones in weight due to a messed up metabolism from extremity of activity (anxiety triggers) coupled with starvation (dissociate from hunger and thirst). This disparity was bought forth, exabated by ailing mental health caused by years of psychological trauma, wrought from profound cruelties (in spite of ethnicity) inflicted by relentless tribulations that only benefit the cuthaig. Anyhow, I don't wish to talk about this on white pages, detailed information exists on black pages about this subject within this website.

This afternoon I bottle-fed all six cade lambs, one large lamb is not taking much milk, and there are ground lamb nuts in the creep trough. I also fed the mother ewes lamb nuts in the polytunnel, and forked what is left of their bale of haylage within reach through the ring feeder. The lambs in the polytunnel are very playful; there is a real sheep family atmosphere in there; which raised a grin from a weighted frown. Today I've enjoyed two sausage sandwiches, cup of coffee, and have a warm peat and log fire beside me; considering situations have been a lot worse for me, I'm not doing all that bad at the moment. One cade lamb is not eating as she should, although a tiny wee lamb, we named "button" has regained her appetite.

12th

Bird settled on power lines beside the farmhouse study, few feet away from me.

Very tired this afternoon, glad most of the lambing is finished.

11th

We have half a dozen cade lambs, more than last year, this is significant considering there has been a reduction in the flock this year. We've had three lamb mortalities, which we attibuted to lamb abnormalities within the ewes womb. Birth ratio is 1.9 lambs to each mother ewe.

Took some photographs of life on the paddock.

Charlie had a big move around of sheep and lambs, two ewes who lost there lambs returned to the paddock, the remaining ewes in lamb were moved from the polytunnel to the calf creep penned area. The rest of the lambing pens in the poly tunnel were taken down so all mother ewes and their lambs are together. We ran out of hurdles and had to use pallets!

10th

Today, on Mother's Day, Charlie took me to Bonchester Bridge for a pub meal at the Horse & Hound Country Inn. He ordered soup starters then roast beef, whilst I chose Camembert salad starters then salmon and mash for mains. The food was OK although overpriced, our favourite eating pub within the Scottish Borders remains located in Newcastleton.

We left Bonchester Bridge, returning to Roberton via a scenic route; Charlie stopped the truck so that I could take photographs. Whilst I was taking photographs of pigs a 4x4 overtook then pulled over one hundred yards ahead, a male Ned exited then attempted to get a horse to bolt by waving his arms in the air, before returning to his car, thought his actions weird.

We've almost finished lambing, and I am glad the season is coming to an end; after ironically witnessing a mother ewe rejecting all her triplets this afternoon. The sheep have gone crazy over the last two days, I'm seriously contemplating turning off the Wi-Fi. Charlie has been inside the polytunnel for the last three hours; we now have two cade lambs indoors. I am celebrating Mother's Day with a recipe my mother cooked for me, it's a Geordie meat and potato casserole named Panackelty; both my mother and aunt used corned beef and pork sausages. This is a hardy meal against strong winds from the North Sea, I miss her greatly, and was not told of her funeral, never witnessed her dead body; I've been 100% shunned. My father's funeral was also kept secret, I never witnessed his dead body; I don't know any of my paternal linage, and only two members out of ten from my maternal lineage. I haven't spoken to my sibling brother for almost ten years, I don't know his daughter, my niece; neither have I been able to speak to her, ever. I have not wronged any member of my family.

9th

Because of an asshole DPD driver in our area, our parcels have disrupted dispatch from the area logistics centre in Carlisle. I reported the van driver for driving recklessly, beeping his horn and raving like a maniac at sheep that quietly graze by the roadside along our hamlet. I rang the van in to DPD to complain, but was put through to an Asian call centre who had great difficulty understanding me. If the enraged nut threatens the safety of our hamlet again, I'll dial 999 and let the police deal with him; families live and young children play here.

Two lambs born yesterday have contracted wet mouth and are very poorly, they are indoors inside a cardboard box under a heat lamp. Charlie has administered injections and bottle-fed them, all we can do now is hope they pull through. Charlie blames himself for not suckling them in the midst of tiredness, within his lunch break from work; but has dedicated much time to making them well again. Burned my hand cleaning out the fireplace, the gauze plate was still very hot, stuck to my fingers as I attempted to clean dusty ashes whilst lifting it.

Accidents are common place, a regular occurrence amongst PTSD sufferers; trouble is the word complex attached to those four letters, consequential of life being utterly horrific. Overloaded with trauma, unceassing horror movie flashbacks, reccurrently triggered by generalised anxieties, as conciousness attempts to rationalised with every spiteful incursion inflicted upon me, enabling them to flesh me hapless from life as if I should have never mattered at all. I associate black worn by priest and vicars as representing depthless cruelties.