Diary: October, 22

This month, I was abruptly ejected from a social circle via text message. I struggled and endeavoured to gain a social rapport for a fortnight, but was cancelled as in don't talk to any of us; this virtue signalling plummeted me into dejected isolation yet again.

31st

Trying to get up and out of my tent from apathy can be such a haul in the morning but rise me all must project through another day.

Cars roused me as fine rain blew against my tent, and the cold touch of air upon my face brings about a shift to hand and foot.

Breakfast.

Hitched a lift into Selkirk from a surveyor on his way to work, the warm air from the vans vented heating put my nerves at ease.

Messages in a Selkirk shop windows?

Caught the bus into Galashiels and picked up my reading glasses . Feels great to read again clearly, edges now appear on letters.

Visited some friends then obtained a phone call from the borders council stating they have given me a local connection to the area. I am drinking a lot of alcohol to slow down my racing mind, need to research a healthy alternative; also booked myself in with a chiropractor, the film Jacobs ladder springs to mind, am most likely as disturbed as him. Had three pints of Tenants which has slowed down my mind sufficiently, going to have to continue my journey if I am not going to be spending money on public.

I'm very tired so have now cancelled my trip to Bannockburn. I am shattered but will make effort to celebrate Samhain here in the borders, my grandmother was from here. So I hitchiked to Peebles, and drank at a pub named the Green house. Feeling very tired and bothered so going to call an early night.

30th

Woke up by my ancestor’s castle, and slept a disturbed night, with one eye open, I guess throughout his infliction of stigmatism, how he slept.

Only back in his day, people were not excommunicating with double standards, whilst subordinated spineless unto deafening silence.

Continuing my ancestral heritage I took breakfast at the Robert the Bruce Wetherspoons pub. The impersonal drinks robot was new-fangled but I glared through despondence as it cleaned itself.

Wetherspoons had a flow of Martinists, one had a “rude bitch” handbag, and a “Hell O Martin” was also accentuated. It’s shite how this evil deprivation cult encroaches upon our lives with such diabolical discord, I have known nothing but two-face hatred from it.

Publicans seem annoyed with waiting an extra hour for an alcoholic drink since the clocks were put back an hour at midnight. I left before midday, purchased a wrist watch then entered the packed Dickies bar for a refreshing pint of Tennants. French made Scotland, without the Normans Scotland would never have been independent from the English. They seek to defece us from all our ancestors ever was and will be. Got on the train to Carlisle then got a taxi to Longtown, hitched a lift from a guy in a van to Hawick, walked north but did not receive anither lift so pitched my tent in a nearby field.

29th

Slept on the grounds of the Haining in Selkirk last night, arrived at 2am, woke at 8am, six hours sleep.

My grandmother was born in Selkirk, then moved to England. I have visited the Haining before and took pictures.. but here are some recent snaps.

I didn’t walk around the wee loch, no, a white couple did that, they were talking about utopians from the cult of Martinism, about how they were enforcing a "sterlie zone" because they were frightened of being cursed, how savage I thought.

I hitched a lift north of the town to Hawick from an army veteran, then a succession of lifts via A7 to Jedburgh, Newcastle and Scots Corner A1/A66 services. Rolling mist covered the A66

The final lift came from an outdoor adventurer on his way to visit his mother in Glasgow, he dropped me in Dumfries at around 6pm.

I spent the evening in a pub named the Globe and was served by a stout barman named Blair. The clientele talked to me, opened a box of halloween facy dress clothes (I used to love dressing up before I was damaged) one even bought me a drink before I departed at 10:30 pm to find a place to sleep.

28th

Very unwell this morning, with debilitating symptoms of pernicious anaemia, after eating breakfast my eyeballs were rolling with tiredness (postprandial hypotension) and woke with a feeling as though I sinking into the floor. It’s slightly worrying because I am not supposed to be due for another B12 injection until December 2022. Maybe this is something to do with PTSD rather than an underlying blood disorder.

Tinnitus in my ears is deafening and has taken on additional tones recently. How is it that every time I attempt to settle in an area, at least for a while my mental and physical state of health plummets? I would make more of an effort to pick myself up but I am waiting to hear if I am going to be relocated later today. Outside is a sunny morning/afternoon, and the fair autumnal weather is luring me to out for a walk around Gala hill; I know if I push myself enough, hyperarousal will release enough adrenalin to get me up there. So I dragged myself out of bed and stomped about the hillside taking pictures.

The construct of darkness, an exposure that manifests greivance of despairity to eternally destroy us.

27th

So many messages running through my mind (auditory hallucinations) this morning. Twisted neighbour above was also going berzerk around midnight, screaming and yelling abuses. I have had these mind messages since being inflicted with horrific trauma whilst displaced on the streets of London in 2010-2013. I am planning to travel today, not sure where I am going yet, but expect to be going some distance and additionally camping out. I am trying hard not to respond to the messages, they used to provoke me into walking aimlessly for hours and hours years ago.

Woke up with somebody creeping around outside of my flat attempting to look through the curtains. They were wearing wellies sound of their footsteps, not very tall but shifted some. weight as they walked up and down the hard paving stone outside. I have a heavy hissing metallic sound in my ears, sometimes the sound swishes and in silence, the hiss becomes louder as if going from one ear to the other. I have known this intrusive pain to be referred to as Tinnitus although I have never been professionally diagnosed. My eyes are watery and feel loose as if I have been crying in my sleep but I have no recollection of this, I was in deep sleep past 2 am. Spent the latter part of the morning and early afternoon creating pages on this here is my blog. I visited the recharge cafe and ate well, feeling tired so guess I won’t be travelling today. There is a horrid smell of death somewhere in the crash pad flat, have to find it because the council is relocating me soon.

26th

Around midday I took a walk into town, exercise raises serotonin and so alleviates depression, but I struggle when walking the streets with trauma triggers jolting my perceptive cognition around. The people of the borders are kind and endearing, but it is easy to lay positive perceptions when abuses shout so loud from negeative projections from destructive people, that seek to marginalise every sense of humanity. I visited the usual places then took myself for a walk.. taking pictures along the way.

What happened to these people, to put up such an afront to their residence.

Tonight I went out for another walk, to burn off some anxiety, and lift my depression. Tried some night photography. Leaving the woodland the rain poured down, first there was sleet then sopping rain. Undeterred I sat and rocked on a swing for five minutes. Promised me to keep away from bars; and unruly characters who only vent virtue signals as if they were worthy, within their blinkered judgements, of bone-picking scrutiny.

25th

Woken at 3 am this morning, hungover from last night. Feeling quite low and disturbed this morning, it’s now afternoon and the crash pad flat curtains are still drawn. Today I dyed the grey trauma from my curly hair, I have thin hair which will not grow beyond length of my shoulders. I have spent the morning updating my blog with content and reading through the biography pages I am finding my ability to recall history beginning to diminish. Unhappy with my mobile phone screen being broken twice, I have no recollection of how. that happened.

Today I went outside in the afternoon, and a white blonde woman in a leopard print coat glared at me in Marks and Spencers, outside reversed her BMW, wound down the front passenger side window and threatened to smash my face in, a projection of sheer and utter hatred. I began to boil with stress inside the crash pad flat so took a walk on Gala hill to burn off some unsettling anxiety. Tonight I have been cancelled, just before midnight by two people because they don’t like what I have written on this blog. The message I got was “fuck off” and “don’t speak to us again”. I don’t want to elaborate anymore they are now blocked. I am used to being ostracised, amount of hatred I’ve endured over the last few days.

24th

Was on the phone to Ionos for almost an hour and a half to get an answer to a question about their blocking of XML-RPC in their shared hosting WordPress installation. The contract was cancelled after a short talk with the supervisor, they admitted that the WordPress app, from the Google play store, is now blocked because of troublesome DoS attacks on their servers.

I have since moved this blog to my VPS but managed to keep my Domain name which I purchased with Ionos. They’re a good company and have always been flexible with customer service. Went into Spec Savers and purchased a decent pair of reading (prescription) glasses; because throughout my troubled life, my awesome blue eyes have been good to me. Spec savers are an awesome company.

After breakfast in the Hunters Bar, I walked into the Reivers bar (for the first time) and order a pint of larger. I also ordered a drink for a blind man who appeared lonely in the Hunters bar. For about ten minutes (until this establishment showed its demons) I was surprised to see this violent picture.

This Nation of Islam belligerent pictured above defamed White males as blue eyed blonde haired devils, a statement that was broadcasted worldwide on television. But few aware people take racist insanity he spouted seriously, mostly they view his ranting as madness, hiwever they regard, even glorify by idolising him as a successful fighter.

If you dont believe he was bad, read about the cult he hung out with.

An old man came over and introduced himself, told me his story then said it was a lie, before asking if I had a penis, he then inquired how often I masturbated. The Reivers sports bar in Galashiels is hideous, if you don’t want to be spoken to as a whore then don’t go there. The “tranny” decimations go on and on with some woman (whom I have never spoken to) kicking the music box off with Rocky Horror Shows “Ballroom Blitz”, followed by some aggressive black rap music, but guess it doesn’t intimidate or bother me that much.

After purchasing some cosmetics, and moisturisers, I walked into the Auld Mill Inn and knocked back copious drams of whiskey and pints of larger. I am burned out with thirteen years of inconsolable, life-destroying horror. As the night progressed into an incoherent fuddle I became more suicidal. The walk, with a dominos pizza in hand, back to the crash pad flat was cold, grey and sullen with flattening depth. I am glad there is nothing sharp in this here flat, as I probably would have turned in a blade unto my body. I have some very unsightly scars on my arms from a decade ago, at the height of Martinism persecution.

23rd

Today I met a male friend and we caught the train from Galashiels to Tweedbank, the ticket inspector gave me a proper filth glare.

Leaving Tweedbank station we walked his two dogs along the riverside, he seemed to be bothered about the prospect of rain. Walking up the high street we arrived at the Kings arms bar. My friend ordered a bottle of white wine which we shared.

Later, after catching the bus back into Galashiels we met up with his girlfriend at the Auld Mill bar back in Galashiels. After an hour we went to his girlfriends house and shared a curry, then I walked the 600 metres back to the crashpad flat.

22th

The neighbour above me is an evil nasty piece of work, the junkie was up all night with his friend, high on cocaine, his scooby snack reward for destroying us. Left the crash pad flat early in the morning, and walked west out of Galashiels.

Hitch-hiked to Neidpath Castle.

I then reversed my direction, and hitched back to Peebles, then to Innerleithen and into Selkirk. Hitched a lift to Hawick. and another to Jedburgh. I walked into the Mary Queen of Scots museum.

Walked into Scotlands oldest licensed bar, and was bemused at this pun placed above the bar shelf.

I managed to hitchike back to Galashields in two lifts.