Diary: March 23

In the midst of lambing season within the Scottish Borders, this month I am hoping to make contact and network with other ethnonationalists in informative retrospective unto the "milieu control" predicament we're in.

30th

The date on my computer is showing as the 30th of March, somehow I am missing a day; I am going to have to check the pictures on my phone to jog my recollection, first time this has happened to my short term memory. Today I am deleting my wordpress blog, I'd much rather write HTML and be able to design my website how I choose.

28th

Travelled to Hannington to purchase an iPhone I'd found on Facebook marketplace; Charlie bought me a new handbag and two pairs of warm cable tights. Late afternoon I returned to the farm house, fed the sheep and rested by a warming open fire. I've given Charlie my old Oppo phone, he's never owned a smartphone before, and is a wee bit apprehensive about exchanging from his £10 Nokia burner phone. The lambs are all doing well, I've been giving extra food to the Zwartble mother ewe, because she has three lambs to feed; be great to see her raise them without intervention. We have five cades now on two bottles each, twice daily; feeding them roughly around 7am and 7pm.

The lambs drink a powdered milk, which mixes either into cold or hot water. One measured container full time four servings, emptied into a jug, filled to the brim, balancing hot and cold into lukewarm water makes four bottles. The cade lambs have to be weaned onto this milk, some lambs take days to adjust, if lambs come into cade ill (often with wet mouth) then they have to be lap nursed. Some hungry lambs drink water to supplement a lack of milk yield, this can kill a lamb. Often cade lambs arrive not being able to suckle, so the bottle has to be manipulated to bait their swallowing reflect into suckling, patience and perseverance is key to keeping a cade lamb alive.

After feeding Charlies dog Sam, I took him for a walk down to the burn, but the soft bugger pulled back not wanting to get his paws wet; he crosses over the burn for Charlie though. The burn appears idyilic, but the houses built next to water, two of them log cabins are pumping their waste into it. These waste water pipes are not burried underground as with the older two houses, including the 1920's farmhouse I've been risiding in. I've been searching for focus to write on my blog, since I began creating a wordpress blog, I think this is partly to do with me being tired, nursing the cade lambs was challenging and kept me awake until early hours of the morning. There is a dead ewe still waiting to be taken away.

27th

Kept myself in my flat today, had mild exposure.

26th

Twenty minutes past midnight I bottle fed the five cade lambs by hand, the effort for a moment seemed daunting but once I am on the task its easy, and I do not stop until the lambs have had their fill of milk. It's now almost one oclock and I am attempting to wind myself down so I might get several hours sleep. The ewe that had triplet lambs is doing well and all three, without intervention, are still alive.

Today, Charlie was building lamb creeps, because we want to wean the lambs onto pellets. The pellets are too big, he asked for lamb pellets, and they gave him larger pellets for sheep. There are other issues also, such as the Saint Boswells market booking off one of our lambs as a ewe, loosing consignees money. After feeding the sheep we took a walk over a burn and enjoyed a view of the valley.

25th

The last two cades have gone outside this morning, it was fun to see them placed together, in their new environment. I am glad of the silence in the farmhouse, the little tup cade has been bleating every hour for days! A ewe has given birth to three lambs, considering a ewe only has two teets, Charlie thinks that one will have to come inside in a few days as cade.

There are only eight more ewes left to lamb, we've run out of hurdles, and space is becoming limited. More grass keep is available at the end of the month, till then it's a tight ship. I wanted to return to my flat today, but have reluctantly agreed to stay another day and night because there is so much to do here. Lambing season is almost over, cades have another three weeks of bottle feeding, though.

Charlie stopped by the side of a road, near Selkirk, then walked with me along a gravel track and onto a football pitch, situated in the middle of a woodland. The site was used for only one day, before being left to grow back and be reclaimed by nature.

We visited the grass keep to check on the flocks wellbeing, they seemed on edge at our approach, I wondered wether or not they'd had any uninvited "visitors". There is a footpath running along one side of the field, inbetween a scenic length view of the Eildons. The field is a nice shade of green, more so where the flock had been fed last year. The sheep calmed after ten minutes or so, recognised us.

I wondered about the Weavers festival in Hawick, but there was so much to do, we drove down Hawick high street but saw nothing there. Returning to the farmhouse, we fed and watered the flock, then took the dog out over the hill for a walk; he was timid of the burn, which wasn't that fast flowing this evening. My mind is wrecked with disturbing messages whilst I type this paragraph, feeling unearthly low but my mood is holding steady.

24th

Spent twenty minutes after midnight and twenty minutes before midnight preparing and feeding bottled milk to the five cade lambs, it's trying when you're stressed and exhausted. I will be OK to return to my flat for a break from this in two days time; returning after another three days, in another week lambing season will be finished. Charlie's health has improved with rest, he woke me with coffee at 8am. Rain is pouring down outside, and the farmhouse is fresh airy with a damp, lingering, cold. I am a bit disappointed that we are not attending a monthly music night at the local village hall because there is no money for the required fifteen-pound tickets; should be able to go out at least once a month, especially after lambing season!

Two new lambs were born into the herd, ones suckled, but Charlie had to go to work and so there was no time to suckle the other lamb; but mother ewe has been penned in with them. The poly tunnel is beginning to look full, when all the sheep have gone to grass keep the structure will be modified to allow more air in from outside; also, scaling back on numbers there will be only a quarter of the ewes from this year inside when others have gone to market. I've learned an interesting fact, that tup lamb meat tastes so horrible it has to be spiced and seasoned into kebab meat, I wonder if all those Saturday night piss heads know about that? I rarely eat take-away food or even restaurant food these days, as eating establishments are suspect and therefore cannot be trusted.

Three weeks ago we'd planned to attend an event, a monthly folk night at the village hall, but were completely out of cash and tired out from three weeks of lambing. Good news is the cade that has been up and down with sickness for days has now recovered, I can't wait to see both cade lambs go outside tomorrow and the cage dismantled; tired of mopping up poo and urine, the smell of bleach is becoming nauseating. My dry hands are swivelled up from endless washing with detol disinfectant soap. I've been at the farmhouse four days, I'll be returning to my flat tomorrow afternoon, looking forward to a hot bath and some peace and quiet from the incessant demands of cade lambs. Another ewe gave birth on Charlie's arrival, he came inside scented with fishy ewe afterbirth.

23rd

Antibiotics have worked on the cade tup with watery mouth, bloating on his stomach has dissipated, revealing how thin and frail he's become. This morning he was hungry, and suckled from the bottle standing up; after 3 days downhill, he is finally making some progress in reversing his decline. The cade tup is also more aware of his surroundings, and bleating, want to see him leaping and rediscovering his playfulness, as we see with the other lambs outside; who have been lucky enough to have been nurtured by their mothers. The herd have had forty-five lambs, and none have died, squashed the mortality rate. The ewe with mastitis is recovering, to day she is on her feet, an improvement after placing sillage and chaff by her feet yesterday.

The dog excites to watch the sheep being fed and watered, he runs up and down the farmyard, picking up sloppy mud on his long coat, as a brush would hold paint, following Charlie. He was brushing and rubbing this mud against the walls, cupboards, doors inside the farmhouse; before we built him a kennel to act as an in trim to de-escalate him bringing all the mud into the farmhouse.

I am feeling down tonight, the tup cade has become ill again, he's looked miserable for three days whilst I have been nursing him to suckle bottled milk every other hour. I helped Charlie with feeding ewes sillage and chaff and filling water containers this evening; Charlie loves being a sheep farmer; but this is not a profession I'd choose to do, but I am happy to help Charlie get through this lambing season, for both the lambs, ewes and him, and as a plus I gain from the self-defining experience which is awakening diminished perception of an intrinsic depth of living life we've all been detached and alienated from. Tonight I am burning logs, we've run out of coal, but I cleaned out the fireplace earlier, so through the glowing vented grate, the draw of flames is roaring.

22nd

My head was noisy with messages all night, but at least this morning I feel rested. Charlie couldn't put his sock on his foot because his back pain is so bad. Everything at the farm house is on a thin shoe string budget, if he doesn't break through this year; his farming life will be over. He has to reduce his flock to manageable numbers, or he won't be able to work. Last night there were two lambs born to a ewe, the lambs really struggled to find their mother, and for a while it looks as though they'd be make or break lambing problems; they are so fickle; sometimes I feel concern for these sheep as a species that would probably never have had these problems without centuries of agricultural intervention.

I am against captive, confined environments in live stock farming, in retrospective hindsight a clear line has to be drawn between compassion and intervention. It's a nice sunny morning, as I looked out the stairwell window I noticed the driveway is again choked with mud. Last night the frogs were a flocking in the farmhouse pond. There is so much coding work that needs to be completed on this website, so I have to find a balance between new content and correcting code. There are five cade lambs to look after today, four have health appitites, after two days one is still being nursed to suckle but he's responded well to anti-biotics. Cades that come have loose skin and appear dispondent, every lamb arrives with a different story.

Spent all day trying to get the new cade tup to begin suckling but was unsuccessful. In the evening Charlie shock him gently and his belly rattled, and thus stated that the tup has wet mouth. He's had another anti-biotic injection, and appears weak, but they can deteriate quickly. Another two lambs were born, mother ewe is happy with them; I didn't even notice them, Charlie has penned them in so other ewes cannot interfere. Almost all the ewes have given birth, there are forty-five lambs and another ten more ewes due to lamb; we could have sixty-five lambs this season. It's pouring with rain outside, I am at the farmhouse, there is not much around for miles, yet my head is so noisy, as if there are things happening about me, how can this be?

21st

Visited doctors and got all clear on the moles on my back, doing a poo sample to test for Zoonotic disease and also further blood tests because I am still anaemic. Outside the surgery was pair of boxer shorts with a clean up cloth; (left by bestial Banana Republicans), half hour earlier I noticed entrapment meddlings about a childrens clothes shop. Spring vibes are urging me to travel again, in another month, I'll be rambling some mountains, maybe. Driving out of Hawick and into Borthwick water, the weather was sopping, but cleared as we got to the farmhouse; I am not into livestock farming, the prevailing smell of excrement, so won't be having that much to do with that after lambing season has gone, but it has been an experience, I've learned so much about sheep.

There are five cades now, one mother cade has a bad bag, one of her lambs has been supplementing her diet with water, which will eventually kill the wee puke, so his whiteness been bought into cade. The two Zwartble cade lambs are now living outside, and are doing OK, I've noticed they are beginning to nibble at sillage. Today I am pushing Charlie to get the sheep to grass keep, one lamb has just had her ears tagged. Charlies also got to send some to market, to pay the rent! It's the Weavers festival in Hawick this weekend, I'll probably have a gander, but as usual, I'll be shunning their tomfoolery entrapments. I don't want to breed out my soft blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, to appease a religion that despises everything we are, sacrificing everything we might arrive to be.

We dropped one tup and five ewes to grass keep, the other sheep welcomed them, one was jumping up and down with excitement to see her friends arrive; all, although some bewildered, are glad to be returned to the green field to graze. At midday I had a chance to see some new born calves at Charlies work place, they are so quiet compared to lambs but inqusitive none the less.

We returned to Hawick, I collected my prescription and noticed how miserable they are in the pharmacy, Charlie stated they'd always been glum, and that they were glum to his ex-wife. The mother ewe that has got mastitis is looking absolutely miserable, Charlie thinks it's because he's run out of Loxicon, which is an anti-inflammatory painkiller; he is optimistic she'll pull through, but I don't like to have doubts.

There are three cade ewes outside and two cade tups inside, one of the tups is unwell, we call it "standing on six pence", if you look at the photograph below, you'll know what I mean. Mother ewe did not have enough milk for him, if he had stayed outside he would have abated hunger with suckling water and died.

20th

Been bedridden for the last twenty-four hours with a weird zoonotic disease. I have not been within proximity with livestock in my life, but have been helping a farmer who has been a livestock farmer all his life. My stomach is cramped, and I feel bloated and sick, my body is swollen, and I am tired most of the time; some of the cade lambs came in unwell, I believe they have passed illness onto me. It was a week before I realised we needed disinfectant soaps etc, I have not handled livestock animals and Charlie handles live stock every day, accustom and unaccustomed appears to have mislaid basic animal husbandry hygiene.

Took some Doxycycline antibiotics (left over from treating a tick bite infection) this morning and after a few hours bed rest I'm beginning to feel better. I've been trying to spin dry my clothes for the last eighteen hours, I resorted to ringging them out into the bath tub, then placing them back into the machine to attempt another spin. I want to get my clothes dry because I am feeling much better, so I'll be planning on returning to the farmhouse for a few days to help with the lambing; despite suffering illness; the farmhouse is quiet, and I adore the surrounding countryside, plus I am helping a Charlie with his livestock, he was, and I think still is, in some ways struggling.

During the early evening I washed my clothes, feeling much better. When Charlie came most of my clothes were still sopping wet, so he's picking me up tommorrow to take me to the farmhouse. I have appointment with the doctors because there are swollen moles that are bleeding on my back, so thought best to get these checked out.

Happy Spring Equinox! Monday, March 20th, 2023 9:24 PM GMT.

19th

Yesterday, I returned to the farm house after visiting the lambs at the grass keep. The ewes, lambs and tup showed no signs of being pleased to see us, but walked down to our car to check for food, I guess they were looking for sillage. We checked the water supply, and walked the fields boundaries to check for any breaches in the perimeter fence. He's thrown everything in the air to get this grass keep, and has no petrol for his car, so it's looking as though I won't be getting any visitors today, because, after six months of living in the borders, he is the only person that I have in my life; no other friends, but a professional depersonalised, acquaintance to substantiate rapport.

18th

Was at the farmhouse, took a few pictures.

There are two chaffs, one is of lesser quality, and smells of sherry, the other is good quality. We often joke about the sheep being piss heads.

17th

Five lambs were born to three ewes last night; the Dorset ewe had two lambs without any intervention. Our first cade lamb has been placed outside, she is heavy, fat and has become too big and strong to rationalise with her being nursed indoors. Initially she had a bit of trouble with other mother ewes, but this was just to define ground, so appears to be settling into her natural environment, her projection responsive with the herd.

My left foot is in agony, whatever is wrong appears to be worsening; I am going to have to go to hospital if the problem gets any worst. There is much nerve damage in my feet, because of trauma induced dissociation. I have recurrently banged both feet into doors, corners, etc, significantly over the last decade. I also have a problem with hand co-ordination, reaching out to household objects such as hot pans, the kettle, etc, scolding my hands, wrists and arms.

A mother ewe has become unwell, she is seated by a ventilation slat in the poly tunnel, she is panting; her lambs are hungry. Charlie gave her an injection, but she'll have to be watched, and her lambs supplemented with food; hoping she survives this, because I don't want to be nursing any more cade lambs!

16th

The valley is drenched in rain, the lambs in the field are not enjoying this weather, but a standing straight against an east facing stone wall. There is groundwater everywhere, thin slabs of mud protrude where the tractor tires have been. Charlie shouted for a bucket of disinfectant, I found Charlie in the poly tunnel pulling at a dead lamb with bailing twine, from between the hind legs of a sick and distressed ewe.

I have lit the farmhouse fire to keep momentum up, during this gloomy day, but the cades have been fed and are leaping with vigor, playing together. As I was feeding them I thought of the other lambs outside in the field, they have it rough but nonetheless have the love of their mother with them. The dog is barking and creating a disturbance to go outside, but he'll paint himself in mud, then brush this mud all over the farmhouse, so he's staying inside; for now.

After midday we transported several ewes and a tup to the new grass keep, it was fun watching them return to a green field, they'd been there the previous year, and yes they did recognise it. After I stopped at the flat to put on some thermal leggings we did a second run to the grass keep, with ewes and lambs, the ewes already there from the first run recognised the second run, excited they ran over to greet them. I unsuccessfully attempted to purchase a pair of earring clips in Galashiels; I saw a woman who gave me a hard time in that town, she is written in my to do book. The ewe that Charlie helped this morning died, she was mopping and lying down, lambs were visiting her, sort of knew she was going to pass away, but Charlie decided to administer her an injection of Loxicon to give her a chance at getting over her dead ewe.

There is good news, although a lamb and mother ewe died, another mother ewe gave birth to a big lamb; her waters had been broken for a while (but her sack was still wet) so it was significant, in hindsight, that we got to her in time. Another ewe, a Dorset has also begun to lamb, I am feeling anticipation and somewhat excited for her, some of the ewes that give birth later than the others often yearn for lambs of their own.

15th

I found it a struggle to leave the heated bed this morning, so Charlie fed the cade lambs. I returned to my flat, made coffee, then created an exposure page about anti-fascism. The flat was quiet, but my mind was racing noisy, driving through Hawick, as with most places I have dwelled, seems to stir up turbulence of negative thoughts in my mind; disturbed by years of tom foolery (psychological warfare) tactitics, wrought to defuse and cripple my projections catatonic. Charlie arrived early from work, work sent home because he collapsed on the job. I'm taking the stubborn git to hospital after feeding the sheep silage for a plastic bin and bottle feeding the cade lambs at the farmhouse.

We waited three hours to be seen, during this time an idiot mother seated opposite called out her child as "Satan" then joked that they'd all be "going to hell". I'd of took a photograph of them and posted on this blog, if hospital privacy was not a concern. We were motioned into a cubical where a nurse stuck pads and wired Charlie up to an ECG machine. I sat with Charlie whilst a nurse took bloods, an hour later a doctor came, I questioned him about Charlie's heart rate which was HR LOW 41; he said this was not unusual for a patient on beta blockers.

After two hours of bed rest, his heart rate returned to HR51, half hourly at 43, 45, 46; the doctor returned at 1am to state he could not find anything wrong with Charlie. We drove back from Melrose, past Ashkirk, through thick fog and low cloud at speeds of 20mph, arriving at the farmhouse at 2am. The cades were very hungry, they were bottle-fed, then we had a coffee and sandwich before finally retiring for sleep, what a day.

14th

In the evening Charlie arrived at my flat, we stopped at a supermarket to purchase fire lighters, I also purchased a nose/ear trimmer for Charlie. He drove me to the farmhouse, I met the new cade lamb. He's quick to suckle, and has a powerful mouth for his age. He is on his feet and noisy when he is hungry. The newborn cade lamb, clumsy he clambers out his box and bleets loudly.

So far there have been twenty-six lambs, no dead ones other than a premature abortion. I like animals, because they don't judge me as the devil incarnate, despite having nurtured these cades from death's door. I have no children, and have no maternal instinct, which I put down to being severely abused during my childhood.

13th

Got my B12 injection on time, Charlie drove me to the surgery at midday to see a nurse who administered it.

12th

Happy to be going out and doing things today, but there is much work to do with this website. Last night, ewes with their lambs in the farmhouse field felt panic and distress that we were leaving to go to Hawick. We believe they have been bothered by the public, and also suspect a neighbour of feeding them. These animals are livestock, not pets, although we have cade lambs we keep contact with them to a minimum, with the aim of reintroducing them with their herd as soon as possible.

We dug out and filled six bags of Chafff then loaded a bail of Silage onto the car trailer. He reckons the quality ain't that great, and joked about the sheep getting drunk on it!

Charlie showed me the Wheat from the Chaff. Amongst some coo's there were two bulls, he called them "Billy Boys".

The drive back to the farm house was rough, the little car, endeavouring to pull the weight of the livestock feed. We stopped at Sainsbury's and enjoyed Almond croissants, yummy. Every day I am bleaching the floor in the kitchen and dining room, where the cade lambs have access to run around. Also have detol hand soap and squirt wash; the cade lambs are due to be resettled outside very soon.

I am learning about the behaviour of sheep, and their lambs, from watching them. The ewes play a game, where a ewe is selected by the herd, and chased around, the other ewes buck themselves into the air in observance. The lambs bunt and gnash with their teeth when they are hungry for a feed. The sheep isolate themselves from the herd when there upset or feeling unwell.

11th

Woke at 6:30am, unable to sleep. As I approached the staircase, the cade lambs resumed their request for feeding. The younger cade, although associative was not taking to the milk, Charlie solved this problem by pointing out the milk was not warm enough. Despite being cade the lambs still enjoy playing with the teat and bunting the bottle before they suckle. During feeding times I am still having to seperate the two, because the newest cade is weak, in comparison to our first cade.

Picking lambs up and placing them down somewhere else does not work, but lightly pushing against their faces does divert their attentions elsewhere, although Charlie just picks them up and places them behind a door. This morning, the mother ewes together with their lambs are being moved about the farm. All lambs have been parted from the herd for fear of them being crushed in feeding stampedes, they go, so brazen crazy for a serving poured from a bag of chaff. Lambs look so cute on the hillside.

We both had a twilight zone moment, the sheep were making a noise, the atmosphere felt unearthly strange, thereafter we discovered a gate by the side of the farmhouse had been opened. This used to happen a lot to me when I rambled the UK for years, except this time no calling card "usually litter emblemed with esoteric logo, or sometimes an associative object", just to say we know intimate things about you, nothing in your life, or those around you is private.

In the afternoon Charlie drove me along the Ashkirk road to Galashiels. I purchased up some toasty (half price) leggings. The wind blows a chill through the valley of Bothwick water, so a warm pair of leggings are an essential item of clothing. We popped into ASDA supermarket, purchased a savory snack which sedated both of us, dangerously him because he was driving. Savories purchased locally never send me to sleep, so leason learned here is to always shop locally, wherever possible.