Diary: December 23

Dissociate weary this month, maybe it's time we began to locate, track and confront the beast of burdens deprivation cult of cultural Marxist post-structuralism; before we are all chased down hapless and terrorised soulless, condemned to roam as zombies, psyche mutilated, perpetually flayed from our inherent sanctities.

31st

Sick last night, rang NHS England this morning but rung off after waiting an hour five minutes; our lives are not only worthless, when they rather we were not alive at all. Contacting them is risky, considering they've been killing people, my neighbour has a health problem, but won't go to them either because he believes they are killing people also. I suspected this to be obfuscation of diagnosis and/or treatment to be the cause of deaths; until the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I am not being chased down on the streets, nor am I alone this New Year.”.

Slept this afternoon submerged in sickness, I won't be going out tonight visiting bars, celebrating the new year in; haven't the strength. I have chosen to stay at the farmhouse to see in the new year, because at my flat I am surrounded by evil neighbours. At least here there is some distance from them, beyond reach of their malice named woke, defacing and destroying humane intentions of human people; glad to be rid of humanity during deathly embrace of inhumanity.

30th

I am awake at 1am, having problems sleeping. I've lit an open log fire within the farmhouse study room, so I am warm, and not disturbing Charlie who is getting up for work in a mere few hours. My mind is noisy; this happens when I have visited places, these auditory hallucinations are environmentally triggered, so I theorise they are related to corresponding traumas I've incurred during the last thirteen years, since the auditory hallucinations began. I also suffer from tinnitus, high pitch metallic hissing in my ears; which can be abysmal at times, significantly after eating sugary foods and drinks.

The warmth of the fire is a luxury for me, after years of roaming through rain, wind and snow; too anxious to rest, yet too tired to walk. That numbness hasn't left me, the companionship I now have seems real, but at times becomes unreal; the long reach of self-worth is a hard grasp when emerging from being psychologically terrorised into a catatonic state of selflessness. I feel much hatred to those who have inflicted such a disparity upon me; because I know they'll never be any forgiveness from me unto them; because I was rendered inconsolable, for years, until I could not figure humanity as being real.

The weather is strange, this afternoon I risen to a view of somewhere between rain and snow. Last night there was no wind, the wooden farm gates were frozen, yet the temprature was only -2c; this morning snow clouds have filled the sky, yet not sleet but rain is falling onto the ground. The farmhouse was freezing, I cannot remember the coldness being so sharp, perhaps this is because of sickness, or from climatising to my central heated flat. The farm uses expensive heating oil, around £420-520 to fill the heating oil tank. We've almost run out of this oil by late December and the cold is here until April.

This afternoon we visted William Lockie knitwear shop, after days of searching the internet I decided to purchase locally and found a wool fair isle cardigan in Hawick for £125. If we cannot afford heating oil, I'm going to purchase warm clothing. Next year I plan to spin yarn and knit my own shetland / fair isles cardigans and jumpers; I have ten teeswater fleeces, sheered last year to begin this with. We also visited Kelso, there are more shops in this town, I appreciated the Christmas tree in the square. I was glad to return to Hawick, this Scottish Borders town has slowly become valid enough to be my home.

29th

Charlie returned from work midday, then we left for Carlisle, I purchased him two pairs of Jeans; a cheap pair from Next another from Levis; we then drove back to Scotland along the A9 turning right towards Newcastleton to find a place to eat. We found a pub named the Grapes, the well portioned food was tasty.

We waited over forty minutes to place our order. A man stood next to us at the bar, asked two men if they knew "David Nazi", both looked puzzled, but he repeated with wide-eyes, his head jilted unto our presence; those ostracising tentacles of hatred, maybe I'll cut those tentacles by distributing truth leaflets.

Returning to the farmhouse we stopped at Hermitage castle to take a night shot with my IPhone. Charlie didn't like coming here, claiming too much violence and deciept had taken place at this location, contrary to being unclear of the castles history.

28th

Considering the contempt of inhumane isolation I've been placed into, I believe the political right to despise me as much as the left; however I write what I know to be true, and what readers need to know; regardless of ostracising contempt. At midnight, I baked Charlie another fruit cake; he was very contented with a previous fruit cake I baked for him.

I poured mixed fruit, butter and sugar from a pan into a bowl containing flour, baking power and mixed spice.

Whisked eggs were added to the mixture. I tried to keep the mobile phone shadow from the picture but failed when I became preoccupied; multitasking became blured after suffering cPTSD, GAD; weird that I was unaware of BPD until I was diagnosed with it but then what is darkness to light?

I'm using a cake tin that pops off at the bottom. This cake was in the oven at 160-170 for one hour twenty minutes before the inserted knife came out clean. The smaller oven at my flat bakes very diffrently to the older oven at the farmhouse.

I'm proud of my baking, but wouldn't feel upset at criticism. Fruit cake is loaded with energy that Charlie requires to do his farm work during these dark cold winter months; I know the cake is a success when I see him perked up in stature, bearing a smile on his face. This cake is appears visibly different to the previous cake, which was too dry in texture.

27th

I've not seen the River Teviot flow so fast and rise so high as I did today; I'm hoping the Catholic church floods but that's unlikely.

These photographs were taken at dusk, late afternoon.

Police had closed the quiet lane to Roberton was at the end of Wilton park.

This depth of water on the road was no problem for our 4x4.

Charlie pulled the 4x4 over enabling me to take a span of this classic tractor pictured below.

We are purchased pizza's from Morrisons rather than Dominos, a multinational franchise that recently opened in Hawick.

26th

Sure is cold this morning, ice on the 4x4 bonnet and window screen has made such a pretty pattern.

Charlie is nursing his hangover ho hum.

In the afternoon we enjoyed a walk through the Craik Forest.

25th

Walking Sam the sheepdog, Charlie picked up what was left of a huge firecracker that had been lit and exploded upon our farmhouse paddock. Encroaching "strangers" let off, every week, these fireworks, for years. Seems out here in the stark, windswept wilderness, voided hapless an inconsolable spirit flayed of soul, is not grievous enough, beyond spite driven reach of fisted hatred, terrorising the innocence of our lambs. Nobody lets off fireworks here, not even on bonfire night, why is this so? Because almost everybody who lives within this beautiful Borthwick valley are farmers and are or hail from farming families.

Charlie is tired today, I slept in until 1pm, and I am thankful to undisturbed rest for passing the morning, because being near Christian festivity incurs anxiety and panic, exactly the psychological effect the "strangers" wanted to inflict; so expulsion from God grace is my gift unto this evil, because I know the love of God is still with me; our ancestral spirit cannot be body snatched and plundered into an abyss of broken dreams, because through our likeness; we are the kindred dreams of our ancestors. So renounce the holy spirit as a disease, and become demons, beneath the claws of monsters who ethnically despise you.

Splitting kindling with a bill hook, I noticed just how wet this Christmas actually is, the most soggy I've ever seen. I failed to fetch Sam from his kennel and into the farmhouse, but will talk to Charlie later about bringing him in and bathing him. No matter how grumpy he is we're not leaving him out in the cold, on this day; that I remember being left out in the cold, roaming streets, trying not to gaze from the Jesus pit dug for me, at the warm glow emanating from windows at this disparity, a homeliness that a despondent gaze could not fathom to believe was once real, swollen nuckles, throbing fingers upon stagnant emptiness.

25th

O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!
Du glänzt nicht nur
Zur Sommerzeit
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Du kannst mir sehr gefallen!
Wie oft hat nicht zur Winterzeit
Ein Baum von dir mich hoch erfreut!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Du kannst mir sehr gefallen!
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Dein Kleid will mich
Was lehren:
Die Hoffnung und Bestndigkeit
Gibt Trost und Kraft
Zu jeder Zeit.
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum!
Das soll dein Kleid
Mich lehren.

24th

Yesterday Charlie purchased the flock in the polytunnel another nutritional lick bucket, and early this morning, the flock is appearing comfortable and contented chewing cud. The flock finished the last lick bucket in just one week, Donna the cade ewe lamb was unhappy with the empty lick bucket being taken away; perhaps indirectly requesting a replacement bucket. I got Charlie to purchase more bird food, I've enjoyed their presence about the garden this month.

With shooting season happening, we have three male pheasants visiting the farmhouse for chaff leftovers. The partridge family has not returned this winter, after attacking me some months ago; although I have seen them, pass by, over the paddock adjacent to the farmhouse. Seasonal changes appear more visible here in the Scottish Borders, lately I've noticed the grass has stopped growing, in the winter, there is no gardening, as little, of anything appears to grow. Charlie has been foraging in the vegetable garden this morning, on this occasion he has pulled out a dozen parsnips; and one very small carrot; he claims this is because these root vegetables were planted late in the year.

I asked a neighbour if he'd made any Scottish friends since he moved to the Scottish Borders from Middlesborough three years ago. He's a friendly, sociable guy, so I was surprised when he replied that nobody from here had befriended him other than a Polish bar maid; says gets on well with Polish people. Charlie has not made any Scottish friend either, he's been in the Borders 11 years; I've been living here thirteen months and not made any Scottish friends. As a matter of note, I mean friends, not acquaintances, or people liasoning in a professional capacity. I know there is historic anti-English sentiment here, and a few Scottish people would be proud to have not befriended an English person, but I believe this is something more, that Scottish socialising structure is void of interpersonal socialising framework as found everywhere in England where people have supporting and coherent rapport with each other.

This afternoon we received bad news of Charlie's employer catching COVID-19, he's old and now bedridden isolated on Christmas Eve; we're also feeling under the weather this afternoon; I am hoping this is psychosomatic, but Charlie is feeling chesty and hot today. Charlie is double vaccinated, but I ask how has this made a difference other than kill more people? COVID-19 has been around three years, and I've never caught it; although just before the pandemic, I was so sick, my lungs rattled so much that the general practitioner prescribed an venalin inhaler; despite never before suffering asthma; after a week I recovered.

23rd

If I were to write my thoughts unrestrained, I'd be arrested and prosecuted; this website has been self-censored. When writing a blog it's important to know that they detest your opinions, so keep your posts historically factual, and align facts into maximum devastating exposures. Our oppressors have made telling the truth about the destruction of Europe illegal in many countries, these manipulators must be exposed and reviled, if our ethnicity is to exist in this world. You don't have to commit any wrong doing to be annihilated, existing is enough for them to alienate you hapless. My entire family has completely blanked me for over a decade; including my brother, yet I've not wronged him. He is my only surviving family member, (I'm childless, have no other siblings, both parents dead) and has refused any contact since 2013; this inhumane contempt has the historic forensic footprint of Communism, a movement of worldwide genocide.

Yesterday, after a conversation with Charlie, I warned my neighbour of the presence of otters around the burn; he thanked me, not aware of the extra danger to his nesting hens. Yesterday I realised after watching a video reel of a cade lamb, whilst nearing the mature age of fifty, that memories can cultivate fondness with time. Why has it taken this long to feel, even be aware of this human emotion, where have we, as a people, been maligned and dispossessed of our sanctities to have allowed this to happen; by not even being able to figure this as actually happening to us. Yet we know who is doing this to us, and who they are doing this for; we see their cruel manipulations from being traumatised selfless, and from hapless know that our sanities are disembodied unto a foreign ethnicity that is incapable of understanding our emotions to care about dispairity they caused and continue to cause upon humanity of our people.

22th

Stepped onto my balcony to observe Winter Solstice, then most of the day was bedridden. Charlie phoned, wanted to talk, but I was too sick to keep the call alive. Bouts of anaemia are becoming progressively worse, as a precaution I am staying in my flat more, as I do not want to be dizzy crossing the road and/or collapsing outside exposed to the cold. I enjoyed the solstice with everybody through the renewal of light; and also through a message exchanged from a friend, who had travelled to Stonehenge to observe the renewal of life. Watching a reel Stonehenge was almost how I remembered, although, as full and alive as summer solstice; the winter solstices attended years ago within the stones were quiet, few people came.

“solace: give comfort or consolation to; and solaced: of comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness”.

Today I set about finishing archiving blog posts, after editing years 19 to 21 I was left with month pages that contained only one or two entries. In view of this I have indexed months together forming three archive pages whilst scaling images. I am planning to write about our people's positive history, to uplift my spirit from the lows of this terrible sickness. Charlie is coming to fetch me this evening and so will be at the farmhouse this weekend; I am planning to catch up with some knitting; finishing a blanket, and beginning knitting a jumper for Charlie and a cardigan for myself. So many wool colours to choose from, the wool I knit cannot be purchased locally, would you believe that, in Hawick, a town famous for cashmere.

21st

Other than opening the door for the gas man to service my boiler, and to talk to a visiting support worker, I've been bedridden the entire day, falling through the floor with pernicious anaemia. This afternoon I deleted my Twitter account, tired of watching a never ending scroll reporting terrible things happening to our people's ethnicity. I believe we are being destroyed, flayed from the soul of our people by interloping insurgents defacing the ethnic psyche of our people unrecognisable with alienating stigmatisms of political correctness.

20th

A mother ewe that died on the 14th is still waiting at the farmhouse to be picked up by the knacker man on the 20th.

Last week, it took the knacker man four weeks to collect a dead mother ewe; I am worried that this very swollen ewe will explode soon.

19th

Awake in the early hours of the morning editing my blog; Charlie has disrupted my sleeping hours with his snoring. We have made plans for today, and I am appreciating anticipation of a sun yet to rise. It's interesting to see how, in a year, my blogging has changed as my mind has calmed and rested; the last year I've lived in Scotland has been psychologically healing.

We travelled south along the A7 to Carlisle, but decided to turn west toward Gretna before Longtown to do some shopping at Caledonia Park. I purchased Charlie a warm Shirt / Jacket and a new jumper, whilst I purchased a new cardigan and a tee shirt for myself. Entering into Carlisle, we parked at The Lanes Shopping Centre; walking past Carlisle library I overheard a small girl singing "I'm stealing a white christmas, just like the Christmas I stole a year before.".

18th

Planned to walk into Hawick town centre but became bedridden unwell during late morning. Other than B12, I am aware there is an underlying condition resulting in my suffering anaemia. I'm suspecting this continuation of sickness to be related to folate; other than damage already incurred, then maybe a more serious medical condition.

My health improved as the anaemic paleness from my skin lifted unto red during the afternoon, enough for me to play carpet bowls during the evening. We played "skill sets"; Charlie enjoyed the games, I was left bewildered after not coming last, but thought everybody a winner, as all the skill sets were completed by all the players.

17th

Some potatoes were rotten, and were of a weird shape.

But others are revealled to be good enough to be eaten. This afternoon we fetched three ewe lambs from a small paddock near Denholm, the other, a mother were returned yesterday to the farmhouse bloated dead and thus awaits a lift from the knacker man.

The three ewe lambs were supposed to go into the polytunnel, but to our annoyance headed for the muddy calf creep.

Charlie placed dead mother ewe legs outside the bag for the knacker man to easily find; I joked stating the ewe was hitchiking.

16th

Charlie harvested a handful of potatoes from our Kitchen garden.

We were too tired to wash them, tomorrow we'll see if there any good.

14th

Charlie received a phone call notifying him of a dead ewe lamb on our grass keep. This was one of the four ewe lambs moved on 9th of December, all were strong and in good health.

13th

Today I received, by post, a Yule tide card of a woman holding a lamb; warmed and consoled me to know a friend, whom I've not seen for one and a half years, remembers and cares.

12th

The sheep in the polytunnel have finished their hay bale, so this morning we travelled to the other farm.

Charlie working the loader.

Hungry sheep await their hay inside the polytunnel.

We rolled the bale to the polytunnel and then tipped it over into the empty ring feeder.

Hungry sheep no more, happy as... Larry!

Very angry tonight, second time 02 has not properly sorted out my internet, happened with my previous SIM using Giff Gaff; three times I spoke to foreign call centres.

11th

Tonight I won carpet bowls with a neighbour at the local village hall, as a prize we both received a box of chocolates; I've only played the game three times! Beginning to tire towards the end, we played three games, there was not enough time for a final, so we were selected as winners by a total of scored points.

10th

Stressed at this recurrence carving up what driveway we have left, from the continuing paddock land slide at the farmhouse.

I'm wondering if we'd have this problem if we had disk breaks at the back as there are at the front of this 4x4.

9th

The Borthwick water is flooding, I've taken many photographs at this location.

In the afternoon we fetched some firewood.

Weird finding acorns inside a beech tree, Charlie washing his hands, farmyard style.

Trailer not full enough, yet.

About to depart with a trailer full of logs.

And moved four ewe lambs into another field, when they are hungry, you get there attention.

Greener pasture awaits, fresh salad!

When they are feeding, and have a supply food, they couldn't care less so we care about them.