Diary: April 23

Continued 2/3.

18th

One of the ewes came into lamb, so we missed the market at Longtown today. She birthed another ewe and also a tup, the mother ewe is a teeswater freak, oversize, so Charlie is very happy as he'll have a valuable tup for breeding the flock.

The cade lambs are now sucking the teats off the bottles, this morning they were covered in milk from a teatless bottle, which meant one of them had to wait another ten minutes to be fed.

16th

Started the day at 4:23am, this is the time when most people die in hospitals, I was told by a nurse some time ago. I slept on my soda in the lounge, too tired to make my way to bed; I am thankful I don't have a stiff neck today. Recently I have noticed, during the last week, suspicious activity every day and night around my flat block at exactly midday and midnight; seriously considering getting a 2K (able to record registration plates) outdoor camera to monitor the area.

15th

Nice sunny morning through my window, edging horrific toothache; bought on by a Hartley's jam on white toast breakfast. Today I am at the farmhouse, getting some much-needed exercise, as I am overweight.

We moved the sheep around, from grass keep, after fetching the sheep trailer from Charlie's work place. We searched the charity shops around Hawick for a dress, as I only have one dress that isn't full of holes; my walking boots are in a bad state also. On a positive note, Charlie has bought me a pair of wellies, and also I pair of Crocs, that I have begun wearing today at the farmhouse. Charlie fixed the tipping trailers hydraulic pipe then proceeded to dump muck onto the paddock; sixty year old tractor, bellowed with smoke during the ascent.

The mood was heartfelt to see the cade lambs moved into the paddock, with their surrogate ewe. The ewe came back from death's door, her bag had become black with infection. Watching the cade lambs on the hill, it is easy to tell they haven't had mother. I watched them, back dropped against estrangement, and saw their impression of loneliness. I worried about them being outside for the night, wanting them to stay together, the smallest cade, was detached from the flock, yearning to be stroked; affection that has made him vulnerable.

Sheep at both grass keeps appeared to be in reasonable condition, however they require worming and some TLC before the hot weather comes, lambs that had mucky bums are cleaner now. As two flocks located at two grass keeps their temperament is very different, nearer to Selkirk the flock is more relaxed and passive, nearer to Melrose the flock is active and playful. Travelling between grass keeps there are hundreds of lambs to be seen about the Scottish borders; majority of these lambs, ewes, that I've observed, are in good condition.

Speeding cars around the borders, notably around the A7 between Hawick and Selkirk are driving like maniacs, we were precariously overtaken on bends numerous times, by tailgating cars edging upon the rear of our livestock trailer. On hills, we experience a little drag, not significant, other than that we were balanced on the road's speed limit.

The two lambs with poorly eyes received their third anti-biotic injection, we are beginning to see an improvement, swelling has reducted in both lambs eyes. In the evening before Charlie drove me back to the flat I noticed the cade lambs had merged into the movement of the flock, and left the farmhouse, with a sense of optimism that they'd be OK through the night. I enjoy watching them expand their space, and run up and down across some flat length of this hillside paddock.

14th

Purchased a subscription to Apple Music, so enjoying some tunes today whilst I code this website. In the evening Charlie visited after work, we travelled to Bonnybridge by car and enjoyed a pint in the Cornhill Inn. A bull faced publican was pyshed, in-between falling asleep he unjustly denounced another man, seated next to him, a Nazi. Pub was tollerant.

Folk are sheltered up here in the Borders, if this man knew his history and had an experience of ethnic diversity in England he would not be attacking other white people with political correctness. Returning to Hawick, I took some photographs of the star lit sky. I could not believe Charlie had never seen the film Blade runner, maybe he wanted to watch the film again.

13th

Early morning I fed the cade lambs at the farmhouse. There are to lambs with bad eyes, Charlie administered an anti-biotic injection, he sames this is not an unusual thing to happen and clears up quickly when treated.

Charlie also placed elastic bands around the tails, one tup had a band placed around his gonads; he says the tups are sold on to become Kebab meat; spice is needed to be added as they taste horrible. Its warming to see the sheep appear from the shelter of the polytunnel after a storm; the ground is sponge drenched wet. They all have unique characters, and this is a mix breed flock, with Teeswater, Zwartble and Texel sheep. BTW they won't eat leeks.

At midday we went to fetch some chaff and hay from Denholm, after loadign, on our way out we saw a peacock.

We counted and checked the sheep at the two grass keeps, we noticed two missing lambs who reappeared from behind a bush five minutes after the count, mother ewe was relieved to see them again. The Dorset ewe still appears to be stressed, and his more wary of Charlie's man scent than she is of my whiffs. Interestingly, I've noticed them coming to smell around hands, after a sniff or two they bolt, I believe they can smell meat through sweat glands of the skin.

After an hour rest at my flat we drove along the Ettrick valley, through Eskdalemuir forest and visited Samye Ling Buddhist monastery. In 2003, I took refuge and Bodhisattva vows with a lama named Ringu Tulku Rinpoche, he belongs to Tibetan Kagyu Order of Buddhism and has toured Europe extensively over the years. He gave me a protection cord, and the name of Pema. I also used to meditate metabavana with the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order, now known as Triratna Buddhism.

Charlie was looking forward to a cup of coffee in the Buddhist center cafe, but this was closed.

Some improvements have been made on the medicine Tara since my last visit. The rainbow window reminded me of a Dalai Lama's quote about Mao Zedong.

“On the second of the ceremony’s three days, Mao died. And the third day, it rained all morning. But, in the afternoon, there appeared one of the most beautiful rainbows I have ever seen. I was certain that it must be a good omen”.

We popped into the office, they suggested a visit to Johnstone house for a cup of tea, I like tea :) but, the smoke of mysticism dissipated, we decided to leave with our clarity.

I am a lot more sceptical and critical than I was back then, and if asked, I wouldn't be so keen to do such a vow today; in retrospective of knowing what I know now about Tibet, China and Communism. There are many reasons why I do not frequent Buddhism often; the main reason is that with anything, I get desolated by shunning exploitations of Martinism before or after anything that may or might make a beneficial, substantial connection with. But Samye ling was quiet but familiar, even behind my new glasses , hat and coat.

Returning to my flat I telephoned the police to report criminal damage to a bridge at Borthwick water. The operator refused to record the complaint, stating the owner of the bridge would have to make the complaint, if they suspected the damage to be criminal. Painful bones located in my feet and ankles are calling on me to rest, so I'll complete this blog post tomorrow when I have rested my tired eyes, nite nite.

12th

This morning, we stared at the cigarette books on our driveway, and figured somebody must have been standing there keeping watch whilst somebody entered the farmhouse grounds. I thought they can't be that intelligent, as there would traceable DNA left on the cigarette butt tips. Nothing appears missing, so I guess they were there for something else. Last night the electric tripped again leaving the lambs and ewes frightened in the dark, Charlie switched the backroom light on which was just enough to quell their fears.

Charlie's attention to driving is failing him, his mind strays from the road, so I have to remind him to be vigilant, it's lambing season, and he needs to slow down through villages, even if there are no speed restrictions set in place. Regular routes could turn into repetitive nightmares, should he become traumatised with flashbacks anchored to a location, triggered by an accident. I have these location anxieties all around the UK, from sporadic travelling over the last thirteen years; with the most disturbing place being the city of London.

This morning I am inside my flat editing this website, It's hard for me to stay inside, when so many anxiety provoking messages are motioning me to relentlessly and sometimes aimlessly wander. This, left unrestrained, can be horrific, during one section under the mental health act I was so anxious I could not sit down, nor could I talk. Night and day I'd walk around, sometimes up to seventeen hours a day, because I was too anxious to sit down and rest; this developed into an excruciating foot condition named plater fasciitis.

The foot pain without doubt dissociated me from my surroundings, but General Anxiety wrought more triggers as I continually accumulated more anchors. But there is good news today from the doctor's surgery, in that my blood and stool tests returned from the lab normal; I am amiss at what is causing tiredness, but it could be psychosomatic related to anxiety and panic attacks, not that I feel as though they are any more intense than they have been previously.

11th

It's a sunny bright morning outside, Charlie is in the Kitchen today, making breakfast as I am doing his routine farmyard chores due to his hop along bad ankle. Now that I finished the jobs the sky has become overcast grey, Charlies ankle is better, so we're doing some errands today. This morning, Charlie purchased me some pink crocs slippers, so my feet are not freezing on the bone chilling cold farmhouse floor. I've continued writing these paragraphs, whilst he is preparing himself to go out; he takes a long time to do his to do, adding more to-do's one after another; leaving me waiting around for anything between thirty and sixty minutes.

In the afternoon we fetched a replacement hydraulic pipe for the tipping trailer, then checked on the sheep at our two grass keeps. We stopped at Galashiels, where I found a back clip to fasten my earring, then we journeyed towards Clovenfield. I took some pictures of a tower I visited last year, which I's mistook for a Peel tower, but was in fact a border home of the Pringle clan. According to history, they just locked the building up, then left it to fall down.

On our way returning to the farmhouse, we stopped along the Yair valley, I took some time to get some air, as my anxiety was in fever pitch after leaving Galashiels.

The animosity in the Borders Pet Rescue charity shop was spine-chilling, reacting as though I was stepping over their graves. These cold shoulder hostilities come from psychological state terrorism involving the despotic quasi-socialist church, altercating and decimating potential connections.

Arriving at the farmhouse, Charlie noticed five Bulgarian Lev's blowing in the wind, reckoned he could smell perfume on the note. The incident unnerved him, but I didn't expect it to be cranky, because cranks place things down where they won't blow away, in such a way that you know they are deliberate. His ankle is a deep shade of purple, I am glad it is not broken, he is walking and will be returning to work tomorrow, hopefully.

This evening the loopy farmhouse rescue dog bit his teeth into my forearm for attempting to lead him through the front door; the dog is absolutely nuts with phobias due to his previous owner attempting to terrorise him into being a sheepdog. I've told Charlie that I am not taking him out for walks again; I'll be OK if accompanied but on my own the dog is just to unpredictable.

We've noticed we have had a "visitor" today, because of a cigarette butt left upon our drive, I am considering moving a CCTV camera to the front of the farmhouse. This might seem paranoid but the farmhouse is rural remote, and none of our neighbours smoke. Rain is relentlessly pouring down, as Charlie attempts to re-route the outside electrics from tripping every socket in the farmhouse. Weather is so poor that Charlie has moved the ewes and lambs from the paddock into the poly tunnel, irony that a late ewe decides to lamb tonight.

10th

Making significant progress with rebuilding my website today, updating my blog posts with images and video clips. At midday Charlie rang, claiming he has bust his ankle, so I am going to have to return to the farmhouse, help him with his jobs. I shall continue coding and uploading images onto this website at the farmhouse, ha ha.

Return to the farmhouse, Charlie's ankle was swollen to the size of a tennis ball, so I telephoned him an ambulance. The farmhouse had no electricity, so I got a lift from a neighbour to charge the electricity key back in Hawick. Arriving back to the farmhouse I found an ambulance parked up, after a quick chat I realised he was off to Melrose to have his ankle X-rayed. He returned from Melrose with a tube grip and a walking stick, his ankle is not broken and will be back at work again in a few days. In the evening I cooked Charlie tea, he's been resting in bed after is ordeal. It's ten o'clock, I won't be late to bed myself, I enjoy turning my back on the day, something I'd never thought I would ever do.

9th

Cade lambs are bleeting when they hear my voice, they are probably hungry as they are due to be bottle fed at around 9am; we've these cade lambs nibbling on pellets so milk will be slowly withdrawn over a period of time. There are still seven ewes in lamb, but have yet to give birth, so the season isn't over yet!

We began to muck out after struggling to get the tractor with the tipping trailer over the poly tunnel bedding. The smell is nauseating, not unlike rotting brussel sprouts. To lift the muck out the fork has to be plunged in at a diagnal line, to lift the muck out in layers, to steep a plunge will make the muck to heavy to lift into the trailer.

Charlie returned £50 he borrowed from me to get petrol and sheers; so he could go to and help his sheep at grass keep; I was glad to lend him the money, he's never asked for a penny and this was towards animal welfare. The evening ended at my flat, I ran him a bath and fed him before he returned to his farmhouse.