Diary: November, 22

My life has changed greatly during this month. I have settled into the Scottish Borders having been given a local connection under special circumstances. I am really hoping to make a fresh start and gain a new outlook, I have many plans to enact.

19th

Happy Birthday Justin (my brother) if by any chance you are reading this, I have lost your number so will type my well wishes here for you. Last night was difficult to get through, but my ancestral spirit drew closer and altercated the darkness I found myself submerged into. This morning the day light has returned and I have rested.

18th

Terrible sleep last night, finally went to bed at 1am, woke at 4am and been awake ever since. I thought to myself the flat is a bit warm this morning, then realised I'd left the oven on all night, the only thing that helps with these persistent memory lapses is to get fussy about turning switches off. Now I know why people get obessive about small things, to stop their life flattering via obscured increments of awareness. Restarted HRT as my body is in a lot of pain, especially around my back and shoulders; also been suffering hot flushes and legathy.

Tomorrow is my brothers birthday, I've been trying unsuccessfully to dig out his phone number so I can send him a text message to wish him well. He has not spoken to me since 2013, I text him every year but it doesn't appear as if it is going to happen this year; I don't want him believing I have forgotten about him. Tonight I am drinking alcohol purchased from a Tamil guy at a local shop, he was friendly, even told me his Tamil name. I've had much interaction with his culture (visiting Mahabalipuram etc), the topic of our brief conversation.

16th

I've quit smoking now for three days, mostly because I don't have any money to burn, I don't plan to restart the habit again. Today I checked my bank account, the last time I checked there was no money in there and none was due to go in. I had just purchased some food with my last seven pounds when, to my surprise, I found three-hundred and twenty pounds in my account. I went shopped and ate good food, with a bottle of wine tonight, but who said money can buy you friends.

I also managed to get to the doctors, to find out which doctor I was registered with and to even find the address of the surgery I registered with last week. How my thought processes have scambled, to not of known this information from my last visit to the surgery. I only have another two - three weeks till I am due another b12 injection, I am also going to attempt to establish a refferal and connection with the mental health team to get some help with the psychosomatic problems I am experiencing.

15th

In bed for most of the waking day, not been outside at all. Flat out exhausted with recurrent flashbacks from cPTSD, the mind is also displaced vacant a lot, I suspect from encroaching depersonalisation due to being isolated for so long.

10th

The howling wind stirred me from sleep this morning, I’ve been sleeping on a couch because the matress provided is full of bed bugs. The couch is PVC and I am concerned about the material releasing dioxin, more so when the flat is heated. Today I was transferring data to a larger server with my memory, enabling my blog to serve pages faster. I created a new server, locked it down and configured it to run WordPress. This was difficult using my mobile phone as the keypad makes mistakes persistently.

I’ve also been anticipation the arrival of a new computer but the post has been suspiciously slow considering the monitor arrived after purchasing, the next day. There have been many cruel messages going through my head today. They never incite me to do things, but persistently tell me of “consequences” that have conjured “presumed” dispositions.

9th

Today I was given a local connection to the Scottish Borders and rehoused in temporary accommodation until they can find me a place more permanent. Never did I think I'd settle down in the Scottish Borders.

The town of Hawick has seventy per cent of empty homes within the Scottish Borders so I am amiss as to why they placed me in a two-bedroom flat, given the reason that the property was all they had to offer. I am deliberating why I have been accommodated into a family flat, in retrospect of being childless and having no correspondence with family at all; which seems to provoke a heightened sense of inadequacy via contemplation.

6th

Staying up an hour because I cannot sleep, my head has been noisy all evening with an ongoing rapport of messages; which I have managed to quietly ignore tonight. Feeling thankful for quiet space, where only my tinnitus bothers me, a piercing hypersonic hiss from left to the right ear.

5th

I had a very noisy head last night, I woke up around 4 am and finished a Dharma Clowns blog post. I have plans to travel today and possibly camp out overnight. I have a boil on my stomach from a tick bite that happened weeks ago. The boil is itchy and sore, I am wondering if this is myiasis, maybe I have been bitten by a botfly.

Read that putting vaseline kills the parasite, starving it of air which will enable me to cut and pull it out with my pair of tweezers, but I want a second opinion on this before I cut open my stomach. So I hitched to Jedburgh then to the edge of the Northern Borders before a man returned me to Hawick, going at least forty miles out of his way; Scottish people do care.

4th

Woke up in Hell manifested upon earth.

Went to sleep from Hell manifested upon earth.

3rd

Received a phone call during the morning requesting a shift of address from Galashiels to Hawick. After an hour of wrestling with anxiety, I packed away my things, cleaned and vacated the crash pad flat. Having only five pounds left in my pocket for provisions I made a plan to hitchhike to Hawick.

1st

Woken in the crash pad flat, suffering nausea from the acrid alcoholic smell that has been lingering around me for years. I have put it down to olfactory hallucination (phantosmia) as I have no evidence of any chemicals present that would cause the smell, that are psychosomatic linked to symptoms of anaemia. Sometimes apparel can be innocent or victims can be played without them even knowing what is going on. But around me, this is mostly untrue. I don’t wish any harm upon them but the damage they cause should be exposed and stopped.

It’s as though I am under siege in the seventies dystopic, televised series “The Prisoner“; and being rampantly affiliated with every institution I equate it to covert State Terrorism. I am sure a demographical study of mobile phone data retention would reveal how they’ve harassed and stalked me. I call out this egalitarian ostracism as being “broomed”. Today I treated myself to a warm pair of cable tights, and foot deodorant and shopped locally for groceries. I also purchased cleaning materials to clean out the crash pad flat from my unhinged occupation. My mind was so turbulent last weekend, hence going away for a few days. Took over an hour to change my address with the DWP, they must be so overstretched with callers.